If we are born in this world, we cannot avoid being around people. We are always around our family members, coworkers, or friends, and some of their actions can hurt us, and we want them to change those behaviors. We often get frustrated when they don’t want to change. I’ve learned something at work called: S + R = O. ‘S’ stands for situation, ‘R’ stands for a response, and ‘O’ stands for the outcome. We all go through situations that can trigger us; the only part we have control over is our reaction and response. We don’t have control over the other person’s response, reaction, or outcome.
Have you ever been forced by someone to change? Did you do everything they asked you to do? When someone forces me to change, it doesn’t matter if it is my mom, dad, or close friend who forces me to change. I do the opposite of what they ask me to do if I have a different conviction than them. Most of the changes I made in my life were when somebody gave their opinion, and I also got convicted by the same, or when I got convicted by a sermon, or when I got convicted by the Holy Spirit. God himself never forces us to do anything, He has given us the Holy Spirit to convict us, but He usually lets us make decisions based on the choices available. When forced, a person may attempt to change, but it may not be genuine, and it won’t last long because they are taking those actions to please someone or out of fear and not based on their convictions.
Does that mean we can’t have any conversation with the person whose actions are causing harm to us? I feel it is ok to say what’s bothering us, but we need to say that in love, and it’s up to them to take steps to make changes. Ephesians 4:15, “But speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, that is, Christ.” (New American Standard Bible). Real change can happen only when that person realizes what they are doing is wrong and are willing to take all the steps needed to work on it. As a believer in Christ, I believe that even if I’m willing to change, only the Holy Spirit can give me the strength to make those changes. If we start focusing on coming up with our plans to change the other person, we are starting to be their God instead of giving that person over to God.
I’m also learning that if whatever the other person is doing makes me react in anger or fear, I’m indirectly letting the other person’s action control me. The other person may or may not change, and I don’t have to take on all the responsibility for the person who is consistently making wrong choices. I’m not created to carry that burden, so focusing on our response and reaction is the best thing to do. We can pray for the other person and leave it to God so He can do only what He can do. The Bible also talks about looking at our own issues and dealing with them first before pointing out the other person’s issues. We can keep focusing on all the things the other person needs to change and miss focusing on the things we need to change. According to Matthew 7:3-5, “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but does not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and look, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye!” (New American Standard Bible).
That’s the girl I met……. So long ago. You have done so well. Learned so much…. Thank you for sharing.
Aww thanks Nancy! thanks for reading! Its so good to connect after a long time! I hope you are doing well!